Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
