Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
