Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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