We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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