so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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