Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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