so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
BRING THE BAGELS
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
