Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
