Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
