PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
