i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
