Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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