I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
