I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
