if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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