Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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