I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
