i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
