Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
