I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
