I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
