remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
