i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
