Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
