Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
