Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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