Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
