So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Houston, we have a squirter
My liver just had a heart attack.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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