Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You took a bar mat shot.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
