so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
