dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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