I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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