Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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