It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
