I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
