I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
