You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
is it fun? or sober?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
