K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
