you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
