If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
