don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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