I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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