So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
