My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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