she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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