I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
