Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
