I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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