we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We left the knife in your bed.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
