I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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