you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You ate ashes out of my bong
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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