Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am spending my child support on dildos
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
