I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
