bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
is it fun? or sober?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
