i may or may not be watching the land before time
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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