Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
