do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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