3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
