I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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